Shepherding People Who Are Changing Churches
As I reflect on this last year of life and ministry, one thing that stands out pretty starkly is that there have been quite a few people who have joined our church family, and also some who have left. This always feels like an awkward thing to talk about, but I often don’t give it enough attention in my mind and heart.
Since I became a follower of Jesus, I’ve been a part of four local churches. This means I’ve left a church three times. Two of those were due to geographic relocation, but one was for other reasons. If you’ve been a Christian long, odds are you’ve left a church to go to another church.
The reality is that people switch churches for all kinds of reasons (not all of them bad). We’ve welcomed people to our church from nearby congregations, and we’ve experienced saying goodbye to church members as they start attending the church down the street. I’ve experienced it as a lay leader, as a staff member, and yes, as a senior pastor.
Since moving to Leander, most of the time I’m experiencing a mixture of people coming and going at the same time. Part of what creates this dynamic in our city, I think, is that we’re in a rapidly growing area, which means that there is a higher percentage of new people trying to find the right church family. The other reality is that we happen to have a number of really great churches around us (I meet regularly with many of our area pastors and appreciate them deeply).
But whether you’re an elder, staff member, group shepherd, or ministry leader, it’s not easy to know how to lead through (or even know how to respond to) someone who tells you they’re here from the church next door, or when someone you know and love tells you they’re leaving the church. So how do we shepherd people well who are changing churches, coming or going? Here are some learnings I’ve had over the years.
If They Are Coming:
Don’t assume they’re a believer - We know this, but not even everyone who already attends North Way is a follower of Jesus. So let’s not assume that just because someone has come from another church, they are a believer. Ask questions about how they came to faith or share your story with them to possibly prompt some mutual sharing.
Ask what brought them here, from there - This isn’t a rude question, but one asked to care for their heart. For example, we once had someone join our church (and my community group) from another church because they didn’t want to be around someone in their previous church who had offended them. Gently, my wife and I encouraged this person to work through some steps of forgiveness. This person was not willing to take those steps, but giving the gentle challenge is what it looked like to love this person well. If someone is unwilling to open up about it, don’t force it. They may be trying to honor the place they came from, which is biblical. You should seek to do the same, even if they share something negative.
Help them discern if North Way is where God wants them - Every local church has a unique culture and unique ways that it expresses its theological convictions. Invite new people to participate in “Explore North Way” so they can learn what the church is about as quickly as possible and make an educated decision about whether or not this is the right church for them.
Encourage full engagement - Whether someone is coming or going, if they are already a believer, I always encourage the same thing: fully engage in the church family God has placed you in. Be in community, serve the body, be on mission. Once someone is sure our church is where God wants them, encourage these next steps. They are vital to someone’s spiritual vitality and maturity.
If They Are Going:
Ask and listen - If someone tells you they’re leaving, don’t be afraid to ask them what led to their decision, and then listen carefully to what they have to say. When I have done this, I’m not looking to defend something about the church. In fact, there might be something that needs to come to light or be passed up the leadership chain for the good of the church. As I said, not all reasons for leaving are bad. Sometimes someone’s personal preferences or theological convictions shift, and they will be a better fit in another local body. I am not suggesting that we should church-hop anytime we don’t prefer a song or a sermon. I don’t think that is healthy. However, if you sense the person has prayerfully and carefully considered the decision, often the best thing is to bless them as they go. If someone shares something that is concerning to you, please call a pastor or elder.
Encourage restorative communication - It is possible to leave for a good reason, but in a bad way. So how does a person leave a church well? Below are a list of things that, if you have a voice in the person’s life, you can encourage them to do:
Have a conversation with a church leader so they know why they’re leaving.
If at all possible, complete their ministry responsibilities or help find a replacement.
Focus on how God used the church community to grow their faith instead of why they’re leaving.
If they’re offended, forgive and seek reconciliation before they go.
Discourage gossip - When people are changing churches, there is plenty of room for gossip to creep in, even among those who are sticking around. If you’re hearing someone say things that seem “passed along”, challenge them to have a conversation with a leader or pastor to seek clarity. If they don’t want to do that, don’t “pass along” what you’ve heard.
Express thanks - If the person leaving has served with you, thank them for serving and be specific about how you’ve seen God use them. Even if they are not leaving well, I think expressing thanks is usually the best idea.
Encourage full engagement - As I said above, when someone lets me know they are going to a different church, I challenge them to fully engage in the local church God is leading them to. No follower of Jesus can function the way God wants if they’re not engaged in the local body of Christ.
It’s ok to grieve - Even if handled well, it’s hard to see people you love leave your local body. Yes, you can still maintain close and meaningful friendships with them, but your kids won’t be in youth group together, and you won’t be seeing each other every Tuesday for community group—and that’s sad. It’s ok to be sad. Jesus knows exactly what it feels like to be “left”, and He can offer you perfect comfort in grief; so can the community you still have. Take time to process grief about those who have left, so that you can continue to maintain an open heart and love people fully.
Whether people are coming or going, it’s hard to take the time and energy to shepherd well—but it’s worth it. And one day, all those in Christ will be fully unified in His presence. I long for that day. Until then, let’s continue to love God, love people, and make disciples, together!
Conor O’Hearn
Senior Pastor
North Way Bible Church